Playing Golf with the Big Guy

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

Two men fishing beside a bridge over a canal on a sunny day,
happily chatting about the weather and daily items of interest,
when a hearse and five cars passed over the bridge where they
were fishing, one fisherman stood up removed his hat and bowed
his head as a mark of respect, his fishing partner said "what a lovely
thing to have done, do you know that person who has died" he replied
" the wife" we have been married for twenty years.

Having just received a present of a set of clubs,a woman decided to jump straight in for a round of golf.
She couldn't believe it when on her first drive ,she managed to get a hole in one.
She made her way towards the next hole.
Someone shouted fore and she was immediately struck on the head with a ball and knocked down senseless
Recovering later in hospital she was asked where the ball had hit her.
Between the first and second holes she replied
Oh dear, the doctor replied, that doesn't leave much room for a plaster.

The wife of a long time golfer asks: "What would happen if I died, would you get another woman?"
The Golfer replies: "Eventually I probably would, but it would take some time"
His wife then asks: "Would she live here in our house?"
He replies: "yes I'm sure she would"
She asks: "Would she sleep in our bed with you?"
He replies: "Yes I'm sure she would"
She then asks "Would you take her to play golf?"
The man replies "Yes I would hope so"
Finally the wife asks "would you let her use my Clubs?"
To which the husband replies "No, she's left handed.................................."

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.

'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'